BRITISH COLUMBIA, May 15, 2013 —After weeks of aggressive campaigning and with all ballots counted, politicians were the big winners in yesterday’s BC Election, taking all 85 seats in the Legislative Assembly.

Politicians took seats in Cariboo North, Saanich South, Kootenay East, and Abbotsford West, all points of the compass. Their victories spanned land, water and air, as they won Mount Pleasant, Beacon Hill, Oak Bay, Nechako Lakes, and West Vancouver-Sea to Sky. “We expected politicians to be strong in the larger urban centres”, remarked UBC professor of political science Stew Overit, “but the fact that they handily won in all the smaller towns and rural areas of BC was quite extraordinary.”

Clearly in a mood to celebrate, victorious politicians uncorked champagne bottles up and down Vancouver Island, a region long known for electing politicians. One Victoria area campaign manager exclaimed, “Wow, it really went down to the wire. Nail biting stuff. But in the end I don’t think politicians lost a single vote. Not one! This is a great day for democracy.” "It's great to be a politician," said Polly Archy, an officeholder from Peace River. "The people of BC have spoken, and they have unanimously declared: 'We want someone else to make decisions for us.'"

Ima Drownin of the Society Creating Real Excitement With Election Day puts this into historical context: “The politicians are on quite the run right now. Since the first BC election in 1866, they have 42 straight wins!” But when questioned on the continuous large margin of victory and whether this is tied to declining voter turnout she opined, “Yes, I can understand why many citizens don’t vote. It’s like if the Canucks won the last 42 President’s Trophies with an 82-0 record, and took every Stanley Cup without a loss. People would stop taking an interest. Yes, even here! But yet some still adore the game. For instance, take the sports commentators—umm, I mean political analysts… they’re positively giddy.”

Issues advanced by politicians dominated all election races. “It looks like politicians are poised to dominate the political discourse of the province for years to come," said analyst Tak Ethat of The Association of Very Serious People, who, as long ago as April of 2012, had picked politicians to once again take over the Legislative Assembly. "This should allow them to pursue their own political agendas almost unimpeded, and appoint fellow politicians to committee chairmanships and other posts of influence and power."

Analysts had been predicting a possible sweep for months with most forecasting that politicians would match their previous high marks of gaining 100% of the overall provincial vote. However, two unpoliticians in Richmond did take enough votes to leave politicians with 99.9% of the British Columbia total. These two pioneers advocate a much reduced role for elected members and a grassroots deliberative democracy.

Richmond resident, Ive Hope, expressed his optimism for change this way: “I come from a long line of politician supporters. My parents voted for politicians, and their parents before them. I threw my support behind the unpoliticians this time, though, and voted that way. There is definitely an appetite for a more direct democracy. We'll get there eventually."

(Adapted from "Politicians Sweep Midterm Election" by the Onion)